Bound for blessings

Today I had a minor freak out when I realized I had no idea where my life would be in a month from now. I like to think I’m putting on a good face for others. I don’t like for people to know my personal life or that I may be going through a hard time. I don’t know why, but I feel like I’m supposed to have this perfect life and that I am supposed to be perfectly strong. It’s okay for other people to admit they’re having a hard time with things, but not me. I know that’s a pretty ridiculous way to view things, but its how I’ve always been.

There are a few people who somehow ask the right questions and gain my instant trust and then become the life savers I need. How many people do you think asked how I was doing and I said “good” before the guy came who asked and when I said okay he asked to explain. Now, I know there are a million people who will ask how you are doing, but how many will ask you to explain why? Not sure how to respond and not sure why I didn’t feel the need to keep my mask on, I said if he really wanted to know I would tell him, but it would take awhile and in the end I was okay and knew I would be okay. He said he’s a really good listener and would love to help.

I never suspected this guy would have the answers to bring the peace I needed. Those of you with the gift of listening, thank you. You never know when a girl who is scared to bring her mask down, but who wishes all the time she could will gain an answer to her prayers through ready and willing listening ears. He said, “you’re keeping the commandments right? Then don’t worry! God is bound to bless you! So if you get this job that is what is meant to happen to bring you happiness. If you don’t get it then wherever you end up it will be the best place for you to be. Isn’t that exciting? When he asked that, I really did feel excited and happy. Even though I don’t know where I’ll be, I know I’ll always be where I am meant to be. I am keeping the commandments and doing all the little things, so I can know that even if I don’t get this job at Dobson, I won’t end up in a worse place, I’ll end up in a better.

My birthday was pretty great. I have the best mother in the whole wide world who made an amazing photo album of my whole mission. I miss my mission every day still, and that photo album just brought so much joy in my life. The Hakes tried making a healthy cake, ha. They used sugar instead of honey. It wasn’t as bad as you would think a healthy cake would be. The raspberries saved a lot of its integrity. I remember when I was little how important having a day all about me was, but really I don’t think it’s all that important anymore. I’m grateful to be alive and grateful to be able to love and do all the things I am capable of. I just pray that with each year God blesses me with I can use it to its full measure. I’m excited to celebrate Christ’s birthday soon. I know that the way He wants us to celebrate His life is in remembering Him in all we do and say, that love be the motivating power behind everything we do, selfless love.

Henry Van Dyke said, “Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse.”

I know it's true that Heavenly Father loves us. Every commandment is given with the design to bring us more happiness and to protect us from unnecessary sorrow. I am not worried about what will come because I am committed to always follow and serve the Lord, which guarantees eternal joy.

I posted this on my fb page, but if you want a great talk to get in the mood for Thanksgiving read this,

http://www.lds.org/prophets-and-apostles/unto-all-the-world/reconciliation-and-thanksgiving?lang=eng

Last thing, one of the students I got really close to moved this week. I obviously can't share a lot about him, but he was a student I know I was supposed to be here to meet. He came to tell me bye and said thank you for caring about him. I really love these kids so much and hate the thought of saying goodbye, they are such a huge part of my life, they are my life. I am grateful that God inspired me to switch careers and be a teacher, this week I saw at least one reason why I was meant to be a teacher. I miss my mission, but I am still in the business of saving souls, as I will always be. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.

The Hakes took this right before Josette sang Happy Birthday to me in French! Thank you to everyone for a most Happy Birthday.

Roses from the thorns

I’m trying to get used to going out all the time. From my mission and then being so wrapped up in studying for French, I haven’t had so much free time in what feels like forever. Mesa is definitely a great place to meet new people every day. For not having a car I think I’ve done really well at going out every night. From FHE to Institute to Stake choir for Elder Holland to dances almost every other night, bonfires, motorcycles, learning to drive stick, it’s sure great being young and single. As much as of course I want to get married and be a mommy, (I mean this is the girl who went to a party with singles tonight and hung out with the 10 year old girl the whole time and was best friends with her before the night was over) I realize this time of my life is such a privilege. We will be married for eternity and only be single for a tiny fraction of our existence. There are so many experiences to be had as a single young adult that you may never have in any other position in life. At church today our stake president gave us all the talk about dating and getting married, but there are definitely many blessings to being single. God will give us all the very best and if you aren’t married yet, don’t worry, keep being valiant because God only gives the very best. Our obedience is our assurance of happiness. One of my friends has talked about going to Sweden, and why not when she can? Maybe I’ll end up back in France for a little bit. Whatever happens, when we follow the Lord we can know we are exactly where we need to be.

I love my students. They just finished studying The Crucible. I had a student at the beginning of the year that wasn’t a huge fan of the class, but now she is one of the strongest students and her attitude encourages others. When I passed back their test scores for The Crucible, she was so happy and said that she had never done that well on a test and it was because she actually enjoyed what she was reading. It’s students like her that encourage me to keep teaching.

My final observation was a little anticlimactic. The BYUI people came during my prep and so only looked at my portfolio, but she super loved it and I guess is just trusting I am an awesome teacher. I have been working on getting my application done for Mesa School District and the other day Dobson asked if I had finished because they want to set up an interview with me. I was worried because I found out I wouldn’t be getting my French scores until the end of December, so I thought I couldn’t get certified. When when we had our review with all the guys from BYUI I asked the department chair and he said that if Dobson wants to hire me then they will let me get my certification early, without worrying about French!!!! What a blessing! I still really want to get certified in French and I’m glad I worked my butt off to get that test done, but it’s so comforting to know that I can get certified at least in English. So, now I just have to do well in my interview!!

This is the first year I’m like so not excited for my birthday, but I’m just glad to have the great life that I do have and for all the wonderful people I’ve met and experiences I’ve had in the last 23 years. When I look back on my life, I see so many good memories and hard times that were so vital to helping me become closer to the girl I have always wanted to be. I remember there were days when I didn’t know how I could go on or why God couldn’t just make things better, and I realize that His goal always has been to make things better than I could ever know. It gives me the faith to trust in Him now and forever, that whatever hard things I may think I go through, they truly are blessings in disguise. As I trust Him, He brings roses from amongst thorns.

I’ll end this with a quote I heard at Institute from Elder Neal A. Maxwell. I super loved it.

“God does not begin by asking us about our ability, but only about our availability, and if we then prove our dependability, he will increase our capability.”

You and I are designed to be perfect. There is no exception. Every single person has a plan from Heavenly Father to be just like Him. It’s our privilege to seek out that plan from Him, believe in it, and live it. How grateful we ought to be to Them who make eternal life a reality.

Cleaving unto God

“Cleave unto God as he cleaveth unto you.” I read that today in Jacob 6:5. Imagining the Lord cleaving unto me is a humbling image. This week I have truly seen how He is always desiring to hold us as close to Him as possible. No one likes heartbreak, so why does the Lord allow us to go through it? A friend helped me realized that there is so much we don’t understand, but Heavenly Father is always closer than we think. He would never guide us in a way that wasn’t for our better good. With my heart break, I was so worried that I wouldn’t be able to get through this week. I have no family here and my best friends are only as close as my laptop and cell phone. I told Heavenly Father I would need Him to be with me more than ever. He did not let me down. I have been amazed this week with how much He has done to ease my pain and help me gain clarity.

As hard as it is to not see your prayers work out as you’d like, do not let it discourage you. Cleave unto the Lord as he cleaveth unto you. As I kept my focus on God, I was amazed at what a great week I had. In some ways, I’m grateful for this setback because it has helped me see all the many blessings and great friends I do have. In Relief Society today we talked all about the value of serving others. The Lord says that it is usually through others that He answers our prayers. I’ve seen that so much as I have the opportunity to help God by loving others, but this week I have seen how much the Lord really loves me by the many people that have done seemingly small things for me.

Monday I came home a wreck; I was so saddened by how my prayers weren’t being answered. When I got home I found a package waiting for me. One of my dear friends had this package ready for me for awhile, and finally got it sent. I know it’s no coincidence she sent it on that day. God loves me and knew what a gift from heaven it would be to me that day. Not only did that friend love me, but she was an instrument in the Lord showing me His love. The ladies at work have been so wonderful to me and so have the friends I have made here. I don’t think I realized how many loved ones I had made here until I saw them come to me and support me without my asking for it.

Although maybe what I prayed for didn’t happen, I know the Lord will only help me obtain the best. Remember, the Lord doesn’t give stones, He only gives bread. God has kept me busy and I have done so many fun things that I hadn’t done in awhile it seems. Some of my friends joke that French got between us. We talk about things like “Before French Test” and “After French Test” and all in between was like this dark abyss of my life where I didn’t go out. It feels so good to be done! I am still anxious to receive my scores, but if anything I’ve learned I can do hard things. I needed to get my portfolio done and I had so much I needed to do since I put it aside to study French, but it was a breeze compared to relearning French in a couple months.

BYU Idaho comes to observe me Wednesday, so this is the big day! I’m not worried though, God is cleaving unto me and as long as I keep cleaving onto him, everything will be the very best it can be. Sometimes things don’t happen as we visualize, and that’s okay. Sometimes that visual was just meant to get us to an even better one. Just because your dream changes doesn’t mean it was wrong. It was right then. You just have to keep listening, taking one step at a time into the light. I really like the newest Mormon Message by Elder Holland, “Wrong Roads.” Sometimes taking a “wrong road” for a little while is the fastest way for the Lord to show us the right way. Trust in the Lord and don’t ever forget that he is cleaving unto you. We are His work and glory and everything He does is designed to bring us eternal happiness. Who knows where life will take us, but follow the spirit and you’ll end up in the celestial kingdom with your Heavenly Father and Savior. “If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived” (Holland).

Link for Elder Holland's message and then I just super loved this picture.

http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=2714780496001&cid=HPWE110613145

Sometimes I still feel like that little girl in His arms... He loves us SO much, if you doubt it, stop, just believe because I KNOW it's true and so do millions of others. I try to listen to a couple conference talks a day, just while I'm lolly gagging around and I promise that just hearing the prophets and apostles confidence in their testimonies of Christ will help give you your confidence and faith. They're calling is to witness of the reality of Christ and of His restored church. Open your heart and let the love of God flow in. I listened to this one by Elder Maxwell, it's a little older, but it hit me really hard. You and I are more loved than we can possibly comprehend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOsQxg-qtOU

All is well

This one has to be short, I know I may have only traveled one state away, but I am so exhausted. I'm pretty sure God really sustained me through the last couple of months to get through this French test and now my energy is totally depleted. I need Him to sustain me for just a couple more weeks for me to get my work sample all done for student teaching.

Getting to Provo turned out to be much more difficult than hoped. I wish I could disprove the common idea that I am a ditz, but that life long endeavor is still proving to be a challenge. When I went to check in for my flight on Thursday the screen said that the flight had already departed. Turns out not only did I mess up the day, but I bought a ticket for a totally different month. October 31 instead of November 1. Who does that? After thinking this was a joke, I realized that once again I was the joke, then I realized I needed to find another flight for the next day. I called my hero, mother, and she got it all worked out since I had classes to teach.

It was incredible to see my dear friends that I hadn't seen since before my mission. My darling sister took great care of me. I won't find out my scores for a few weeks, but it felt good, so now I just wait with my hands clasped together!

I do want to testify that life is so good! I think I have taken for granted how things just always seem to work out. Lately it seems that if there's not one trial there is another one. When I was skyping my family I realized that God must be wanting to keep me humble, for which I must thank Him. I heard in church today,
"If there's one person who wants you to make it to the celestial kingdom it's Him." I know that's true. Everything in our lives is part of His grand design to bring us back to Him. Sometimes we may wonder why we have certain challenges and what our gifts are, but I promise God knows. He loves us all the same. "the one being is as precious in his sight as the other" (Jac 2:21). When the Lord counselled the prophet Samuel on which of the sons of Jesse should be chosen for the next king He said, "the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart" (1 Sam 16:7). I believe that it is our privilege to see as the Lord and not as man, to see others AND ourselves His way.

So many of us compare ourselves to others or even to some perfect idea of what we know we ought to be. If only we could see ourselves as God sees us. It is our privilege to see in that light. If we seek to truly know our Heavenly Father, we will see as He does. Someone else said today "If we want a good relationship with our Heavenly Father, we have to give it." It's my prayer that the world will offer to the Lord the kind of relationship they hope to receive from Him. The same goes for all relationships. We cannot expect to receive if we don't give. The beauty is that when we do give, we always receive more than we could possibly give. When love is given it is not depleted, it is increased.

Life may be confusing and frustrating and at times I may wonder what God's idea of my better good possibly could be, but I hold on to the promises. I hold on to the moments He has spoken, comforted, and reassured me. When all things seem to be falling apart, I remember it's not I who is supposed to be holding it all together, it's God. He is and He always will. If we live our lives so that we are always right with God, we can be confident that "all is well." I think that's why the prophet wrote this to the saints concerning their persecution while he himself was a prisoner in Liberty Jail: "let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed" (D&C 123:17). Like the early saints, we may face trial on top of trial. We, like them, can do all we can and then be confident that the Lord WILL prosper us. He will, that I know.